It's been a month approx since my last post. Apologies. It has been a month where I have been tested by the greater good, in all manners of areas. Emergency admission and surgery to hospital last week for 5 days in total was the one thing that really tested my faith in myself, and my belief system. I was lucky. I am back home now, healing and recovering slowly. A semi permanent fixture on the sofa, duvet and pillows, books, iPad mini, MacBook, crochet, sewing drawing materials all close by. It's like a mini camp out, but in my living room :-)
Having this period of rest, frustrating as it is, has made me realise I can focus my energy into reevaluating my life, where I'm aiming for, what I can do to get there easier. I also need to live a healthier lifestyle, and need to finally come up with the best decision for myself re my marriage. So many problems there, love alone is not always enough, y'kmow?
Anyhow, ever feel like you're moving, but you're not going anywhere? Like you are stuck in one of those horrible dreams, where something or someone is chasing you, you are running away but you are running so slow, no matter how fast you move your legs. I feel I'm kinda at that point.
Pain, both physical and emotional can wear you down, keep you stuck, stagnated. I admit I have a hell of a lot of change to do, some people will not like my changes, and that's ok. It is only because they can't control me anymore, which is good, right?
I can keep being 'the victim', or I can pull myself together, and actually go out there and do what I have to do to get the life I want back again. I need to keep working hard in therapy, I need to stop letting my husband play mind games with me, and if he still refuses to acknowledge things, sadly and painfully I will have to move out, I can't keep hurting in secret for us. I need to abolish the agoraphobic issues that hand around me like a noose from my neck. I need to buildup my soon to be hypnotherapy practice (yay!). I need to go back to yoga, tai chi, swimming, Zumba, dance. I need to eat how I want to eat again, wear my clothes, hair and makeup how iLife to wear them, not mould myself into what other people want all the time.
I can do all this, I actually know this. I have survived so much, this should all be a breeze in theory. Maybe the answer to why I find it so difficult, is that when I was in my 20's, emotionally wrecked, and just breathing myself through each day, I didn't feel scared as such, I got raped, attacked, held hostage, hitchhiked, ran away, self harmed etc, my feelings were in tatters. Now, I am emotionally ok, I am just your average joe, so to achieve this, and then get hurt so bad by relationships etc, having agoraphobia make my need to break free near impossible, these things all feel so painful to a 'hurts to breathe' kinda way, because I can feel better, see how things are wrong much better, my view is clearer, and this is why it hurts more than any other thing before in my life.
Motto and goal for today?
Research, map/brain storm, set wheels in motion, write ideas down, make the first step. Get advice, know in my heart by end of play what I want to do next, how I'd like todo it, and how can I get support to do so.
Sounds a great use of my time on the sofa! Plus a little craft making, reading, and (hangs head in embarrassment) Xbox / game playing ;-)
Have a great day peeps, stay safe, reach out, keep positive xxx
Ps I am going to write a blog about a condition I was diagnosed with last week, alongside them removing a tumour. Endometriosis. I will set it up, and post the link here also. In case anyone is interested, I want to share my experiences with this chronic disease, share what helps, what doesn't, etc - my journey with endometriosis. Xx
