Where DOES the time go?

Well, it seems to me that 24 hours in a day simply is not enough! Since my diagnosis in March, I have had more tests, another op, different treatments to try, and which have so far failed, I have more appointments booked with specialists, SIGH.....it is very hard to be cheerful with this going on all the time, constant pain of various piercing levels.....BUT!!! On a very much more positive and lighter note, my work and my studying is going really good. 
I have had many people who liked my method of hypnotherapy, my style etched onto the longer-standing traditional methods. My voice it seems, has a soothing, hypnotic and relaxing quality of it's own, which I must say is rather super handy for this line of work haha!!

Covering aspects of psychotherapy now in my studying and research, and this is a rather heavier, hard to digest subject at times. It is not the methods, the schools of thought, the areas of expertise, but indeed the amount of suffering that people go through sometimes to require a psychotherapist is, just mind bendedly surreal. The amount of childhood and adult abuse that one person, just one average person, sometimes goes through, yet survives against all the odds, is sitting in the therapist's office week by week, committed to healing, understanding and grieving, feeling for the first time, still holding onto so much pain that I didn't believe one person could contain......It sure says something about the human spirit to survive and to thrive. 

This person will have people around in her family life who still torment and bully her, who belittle, push the familiar buttons, trip her up at every possible chance, discreetly and at times not so. This person knows what she is up against, but still she fights in the weekly sessions to find the inner strength to cut the cords, and be independent AND free for the first time in her life. This isn't easy of course, all she has known is this. Her choices in husbands reflect the same, although a majority of that is a well hidden secret.

She is still vulnerable, still trying to fight her way out of the traps and chains, struggling to breathe.....but she WILL do it. When I hear what she has gone through, I sometimes do find it difficult to hold back some emotion. I am only human too, and it seems illogical that a person went through terrors like her, has spent over 25 years fighting her family, strangers, the system - all so she could one day be heard, rescued, helped and healed. Why did it have to take until she was 30 odd years old, and a big brave step on her part? How could all those people let her suffer so?

I feel privileged when I help people like her, as these are the true survivors of life. Also one of the nicest, caring, sincere people too. All that pain, ugly abuse and suffering - yet still such empathy and love in a person. How can THAT be even possible? I find it amazing, and although emotionally difficult it is also a learning curve for me also. 

Hypnotherapy is not the best choice in these situations, as the fear of loss of control can overwhelm the client and, although it may have its place when the client is healed and fully integrated,  to put them in another potentially vulnerable position right now, is, in my opinion, not ethical and not what is best for the client. 

On the side lines, I have been keeping myself in relaxing past-times and crafts I adore. I have been making clothes, both designing and sewing. I also have been doing some mixed media art on canvas that has now  progressed to our hallway and above our fire! If the other half likes them then that makes me feel satisfied with my work. We all are, after all, our own worst critic! I have been designing fashion mood boards, sketches for a suit and skirt, designs and ideas for my potential big idea of jacket, waistcoat and skirt - a suit for me, individual, smart but feminine.....yep, wish me luck on that, I may very well need it! I find music a soothing experience, team that up with a hot bubbly bath and well, all my worries, tension and concerns melt away into the bath water!

It has been a tense, difficult time the last few months, and may continue to be for some time. While I have my work, my research, my art and my sewing, my music, good food and my deep hot bubbly baths, I will be just fine. Life after all, is accepting it for what it is at any given moment, and taking the rough with the smooth.

Life is a journey, just take it step by step x

Eventful month! Thank heavens for my (recovering & healing health, and a fantastic surgeon!)

It's been a month approx since my last post. Apologies. It has been a month where I have been tested by the greater good, in all manners of areas. Emergency admission and surgery to hospital last week for 5 days in total was the one thing that really tested my faith in myself, and my belief system. I was lucky. I am back home now, healing and recovering slowly. A semi permanent fixture on the sofa, duvet and pillows, books, iPad mini, MacBook, crochet, sewing drawing materials all close by. It's like a mini camp out, but in my living room :-)

Having this period of rest, frustrating as it is, has made me realise I can focus my energy into reevaluating my life, where I'm aiming for, what I can do to get there easier. I also need to live a healthier lifestyle, and need to finally come up with the best decision for myself re my marriage. So many problems there, love alone is not always enough, y'kmow?

Anyhow, ever feel like you're moving, but you're not going anywhere? Like you are stuck in one of those horrible dreams, where something or someone is chasing you, you are running away but you are running so slow, no matter how fast you move your legs. I feel I'm kinda at that point.
Pain, both physical and emotional can wear you down, keep you stuck, stagnated. I admit I have a hell of a lot of change to do, some people will not like my changes, and that's ok. It is only because they can't control me anymore, which is good, right?

I can keep being 'the victim', or I can pull myself together, and actually go out there and do what I have to do to get the life I want back again. I need to keep working hard in therapy, I need to stop letting my husband play mind games with me, and if he still refuses to acknowledge things, sadly and painfully I will have to move out, I can't keep hurting in secret for us. I need to abolish the agoraphobic issues that hand around me like a noose from my neck. I need to buildup my soon to be hypnotherapy practice (yay!). I need to go back to yoga, tai chi, swimming, Zumba, dance. I need to eat how I want to eat again, wear my clothes, hair and makeup how iLife to wear them, not mould myself into what other people want all the time.
I can do all this, I actually know this. I have survived so much, this should all be a breeze in theory. Maybe the answer to why I find it so difficult, is that when I was in my 20's, emotionally wrecked, and just breathing myself through each day, I didn't feel scared as such, I got raped, attacked, held hostage, hitchhiked, ran away, self harmed etc, my feelings were in tatters. Now, I am emotionally ok, I am just your average joe, so to achieve this, and then get hurt so bad by relationships etc, having agoraphobia make my need to break free near impossible, these things all feel so painful to a 'hurts to breathe' kinda way, because I can feel better, see how things are wrong much better, my view is clearer, and this is why it hurts more than any other thing before in my life.

Motto and goal for today?

Research, map/brain storm, set wheels in motion, write ideas down, make the first step. Get advice, know in my heart by end of play what I want to do next, how I'd like todo it, and how can I get support to do so.

Sounds a great use of my time on the sofa! Plus a little craft making, reading, and (hangs head in embarrassment) Xbox / game playing ;-)

Have a great day peeps, stay safe, reach out, keep positive xxx

Ps I am going to write a blog about a condition I was diagnosed with last week, alongside them removing a tumour. Endometriosis. I will set it up, and post the link here also. In case anyone is interested, I want to share my experiences with this chronic disease, share what helps, what doesn't, etc - my journey with endometriosis. Xx

Practice makes perfect! 13/02/13

I have been busy with work and studying for my hypnotherapy and psychotherapy training course. Asides from two essays, the rest has been purely practical. I know I will become more confident as time wears on and the more I practice but I am loving it also :-)

Having to design two personal self esteem scripts for practice clients as well as consultation notation forms has  been interesting and pushed my creative mind to its potential.

Seeming both people felt very relaxed and enjoyed the script, adding they would be more than happy to come see me when I qualify on the hypnotherapy part in September. I am doing one for a family member later too but that feels more difficult because of the tight emotions attached to this person and my anxieties I will mess it up.  I'm sure it will go great like with the others so fingers crossed! !

We were told to write a script for ourselves on the basis of low self esteem and to address the areas relevant for our own insecurities. I found this quite hard. I love helping people obviously but although I do see my own therapist to deal with my negative and destructive past, it is something else entirely to write your own hypnotherapy script on low self esteem.  Also then I have to record myself reading out the script and play it back to myself every day.  We all our own enemies are we not?
Gotta go give my family member his session now so I will carry on and also update later.
Stay warm peeps - its snowing quite heavy here bbrr!

Friday unleashed havoc....crikey!

I know I was gonna update this blog after Fridays therapy hour, but er, well, it hit me like a ten tonne truck. I made a huge step for me though to be fair. I actually managed to talk a wee bit about a painful memory. One that I had kept inside for YEARS...... I did hit a brick wall part the way though. I think it felt quite scary opening up to such raw emotions. It felt quite surreal, unfamiliar territory to say the least!!
What HAS happened since then though, is my ability to deal with everyday stuff and also my health since then. Even my therapy training and studies have been affected somewhat. The best way I can explain it, is comparing it to the imaginary scene where all your nerves are exposed, so that every sensation you normally feel physically & emotionally feels a billion times more intense. Also imagine if your feelings, thoughts and emotions were literally on high speed on the most craziest roller coaster on an endless repeat mode. Blurry, frantic, chaotic and quite frightening. Yep. That kinda sums it up quite well.

I have amazed myself though by realising how well I can cope, all considering. I run my special 'soul comforting' baths, put on freshly washed fluffy pjs or plug my music in. I read, play Xbox or get my sewing machine & fabric, and make some goodies. They work. I forget and I feel ok, and I process more memories in the meanwhile.

I have hospital apts and stuff this week so it's a bit chaotic and worrisome but I also have therapy again this Fri. It's a busy time! I have plenty of homework to do as well and am concerned it won't get done in time but I will persevere!! Haha!

I have learnt this week so far, that sometimes when we worry about our emotions & feelings, expressing them, revealing our secrets, fears and lived nightmares, that we often worry we will not cope, worry that we will be washed over by a huge tidal wave of unmanageable emotions and go insane. In reality, we do cope (generally). We indeed may feel intense emotions, we may very well feel needy, only feel able to deal with the basic stuff in our days, we may need time to shout, scream, cry, lay in bed, watch boxes of DVDs, stay in our nightwear for a few days stuck on the sofa.....BUT, and it is a big but, we do cope. It's part of our brains process so it can process the experiences, put it all in the right boxes in our unconscious this time, not the stuck wrong boxes that influence our behaviours and habits. We realise that we still may worry insanity is near, but as long as we fear it, it will infact never touch us. It IS ok to nurture, and to feel. Give it time, embrace your fears and go for it. You have already lived through your traumas, so talking about them can never be as bad as your real experience. Trust the process :-)

Oh my, I'm sounding like a qualified therapist already! Must be learning something or two. Course and my life experiences combined are making me stronger I honestly can say, albeit I am genuinely surprised! Have a peaceful day peeps x

Therapy session today...yikes!

Good morning! I have my weekly therapy session today at noon. Only 4 hours away. Am really nervous about it. She left me to do some 'homework' last week - some drawings on how I feel when I talk about painful memories. Well, that was awful - I found it really hard to actually draw feelings especially negative ones! So anyway, today we are talking about some painful experiences I have had, which is fine as I need to for both my career and my self preservation. What isn't ok is how upset I end up - a panda eyed blotchy faced mad woman walking around the shops afterwards isn't a look I tend to go for usually! Ha ha. Waterproof mascara today I think - note to self!!

I wanted to have a wander around the shops & grab a coffee in a coffee shop before hand (retail therapy is so helpful & blissful in so many needed ways!) so I need to wake the husband up else we will have no time for that. He is a sleeping teenager re the way he is a frgging nightmare to get up!

I will write after my session. I wanted to note how nervous I am and am interested on how I will feel later. Hmmm. On a bright note, I did a load of work for my hypnotherapy studies and essay - thoroughly love it and is so interesting! Bye for now :-) 

So, This Is Where I Begin.....??

Let me explain the meaning of this blog.....

I am both a trainee hypnotherapist & psychotherapist, AND in therapy myself. It generally IS a good thing to sort your own head and stuff out before you mess with other peoples'. Just saying. Some people out there call themselves counselor's and have more personal issues than your most average therapy client ever does! It is so dangerous when people do this...but anyway, rant over. Ooops, I get so passionate about stuff!! I digress....


In the process of therapy, when I 'hit' the itty gritty bit, ie very recently, OMG I feel as if every nerve cell has electrodes running through them, my emotions feel so raw, and it seems as if I could spill over (literally) into a huge drippy oozy mess on the floor in front of you. I had no illusions therapy would be easy - I know I have my fair share of demons to exorcise, but I had no idea it wold hurt THIS much! 

For what it's worth, I'm proud of myself. I still get up, make the tea, wake the other half up, clean, tidy, study and shop, and all while feeling mighty ill the last few months, progressively so, with a growing cyst structure (they think!!) in my ''pelvis area - somewhere''. Yep, that's right - they have seen it and measured it on U/S - 5cm x 4cm x 3cm - but have not got a clue where it actually is, what it is attached to, and indeed what the thing itself actually is! It needs to come out of me obviously. It is making me feel ill, in more pain and generally feel like death warmed up as each day goes on. The outpatient apt on 14 Feb seems a lifetime away, several other Dr's have advised I go down A+E to get sorted quickly but I am stubborn, and again I digress.....

This blog will not only be part of my ongoing autobiography (!) but I want it to document my highs & lows in therapy, the answers, questions and feelings I unearth, how I cope, what elped and what didn't. I think it is important that I journal this, as it will help me to help others when I am a therapist in a much better way than a textbook could. I wish to record my thoughts during my training, the journey through this alone will be naturally up n down like a roller coaster. All for the greater good of course! 
Finally I feel it is important for me to note down my symptoms, my ill health, what happens at hospital, what they find, and how it hopefully resolves. If it isn't, then I will note how I find coping with it, what works, and what doesn't.

Let this be a place that I can share with others who may care to read it. If this helps anyone, then that is even better. At the very least I will be helping myself, which in turn will help many others in the future when I am a therapist. Until tomorrow then...... xx