I know I was gonna update this blog after Fridays therapy hour, but er, well, it hit me like a ten tonne truck. I made a huge step for me though to be fair. I actually managed to talk a wee bit about a painful memory. One that I had kept inside for YEARS...... I did hit a brick wall part the way though. I think it felt quite scary opening up to such raw emotions. It felt quite surreal, unfamiliar territory to say the least!!
What HAS happened since then though, is my ability to deal with everyday stuff and also my health since then. Even my therapy training and studies have been affected somewhat. The best way I can explain it, is comparing it to the imaginary scene where all your nerves are exposed, so that every sensation you normally feel physically & emotionally feels a billion times more intense. Also imagine if your feelings, thoughts and emotions were literally on high speed on the most craziest roller coaster on an endless repeat mode. Blurry, frantic, chaotic and quite frightening. Yep. That kinda sums it up quite well.
I have amazed myself though by realising how well I can cope, all considering. I run my special 'soul comforting' baths, put on freshly washed fluffy pjs or plug my music in. I read, play Xbox or get my sewing machine & fabric, and make some goodies. They work. I forget and I feel ok, and I process more memories in the meanwhile.
I have hospital apts and stuff this week so it's a bit chaotic and worrisome but I also have therapy again this Fri. It's a busy time! I have plenty of homework to do as well and am concerned it won't get done in time but I will persevere!! Haha!
I have learnt this week so far, that sometimes when we worry about our emotions & feelings, expressing them, revealing our secrets, fears and lived nightmares, that we often worry we will not cope, worry that we will be washed over by a huge tidal wave of unmanageable emotions and go insane. In reality, we do cope (generally). We indeed may feel intense emotions, we may very well feel needy, only feel able to deal with the basic stuff in our days, we may need time to shout, scream, cry, lay in bed, watch boxes of DVDs, stay in our nightwear for a few days stuck on the sofa.....BUT, and it is a big but, we do cope. It's part of our brains process so it can process the experiences, put it all in the right boxes in our unconscious this time, not the stuck wrong boxes that influence our behaviours and habits. We realise that we still may worry insanity is near, but as long as we fear it, it will infact never touch us. It IS ok to nurture, and to feel. Give it time, embrace your fears and go for it. You have already lived through your traumas, so talking about them can never be as bad as your real experience. Trust the process :-)
Oh my, I'm sounding like a qualified therapist already! Must be learning something or two. Course and my life experiences combined are making me stronger I honestly can say, albeit I am genuinely surprised! Have a peaceful day peeps x
